THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JANE LUTES DOUGLAS PICKREL
I am not one of those people who can claim very early memories, but I do remember being loved and cherished as a child. I remember one incident from Kindergarten--John Franklin Hill wet his pants!!! I couldn't believe that anyone with a name like that could do a baby thing like that! In second grade our teacher informed us that there was no Santa Claus. At home I cried and my big brother (Ken) said, "Never mind honey--there is still an Easter Bunny!"
On looking back, I had a wonderful childhood. Oh, times were bad--money was scarce--but since everyone we knew was in similar circumstances, we didn't feel deprived. Mom and Dad gave so much of themselves to us that material things didn't have much importance. No one could have had better or more loving parents than Ken and I. I'm so glad I realized this and let them both know how I felt about them.
When I got to the age where I realized that boys were not just pesky brats, I had the usual crushes, palpitations and puppy loves. In those days, we didn't date as such, but ran around in a group, but paired off. The pairing changed from one to the other often, so nothing got too serious.
My first "long time" boyfriend was Edgar marquis and that lasted over a year. When we broke up, it was back to the "gang" again and Ray Peterson, Tom Carrot, etc.. Just good friends. Then came High School and Jack Frary--Oh, it was serious--we were in love--with all the feelings and temptations that go with first love. remember though, this was before the pill and the sexual revolution, so we went through three years of frustration. That can put the finish on almost any relationship.
During my third year of High School, Mom and Dad decided on a trial separation. I went with Mom to San Francisco. it was an exciting time for me. (I didn't know it was a trial separation - I thought it was health reasons--dummy me!) Anyway, it was a whole different life for me. I thought San Francisco was the most exciting place to be!
I met Roscoe Franklin and we became an item. He was such a happy individual and we had such fun together going to dinner dances and doing fun things together. But I was lonesome for my Dad so I decided to go back to Omaha--Goodbye, Roscoe--(He died quite young.)
I worked at my first job at the Tip-Top products Company making metal hair curlers and learning a few words Dad didn't approve of--from my fellow workers. So Dad decided I should go to Business College so I could work in better surroundings. There I met Larry Reese. A very important part of my life. Oh, I fell for him and I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. We even planned marriage. I was in Seventh Heaven!!! Then came a reality I had to face. He was seeing someone else on the nights he wasn't with me. I faced him with it and to give him credit, he answered me honestly. So Goodbye, Larry--and I went to California. A friend of Larry's (Harvey--can't remember his last name) came to speak to me in Larry's behalf and we went out a few times. Poor Harv--he finally admitted he was in love with me himself and only used Larry as an excuse to come and see me. he was a very nice man but I was still very much in love with Larry.
Then I met Charles Boyd Douglas. No one could be more different than he was from Larry. I was away from home (homesick). . .away from Larry (love sick)...and very vulnerable. We went together for about six weeks, went to Las Vegas and got married. I was appalled to discover on my wedding night that the think I had kept from jack and from Larry, which caused so much frustration--was (with my husband) gross and disgusting. Poor Doug--he got no bargain with me. I was trapped and inside of two months, I was pregnant. My life with Doug is something I hate to recall. I learned to "live" with him and found I could lull myself into some semblance of feeling for him. Unfortunately, he really felt that women were inferior beings and had me convinced I should be grateful for being married to him. . . that I was a cold woman and sexless. It never occurred to me that he was the reason I was frigid. We didn't talk about those things in those days. Then came the war.
He was working two shifts at the Aluminum Company (or so he told me) Carol got real sick one night and I called the company and was told they never worked their men two shifts and so I had to call on my neighbors to take Carol to the hospital. When Doug finally showed up, i faced him with his lie and he gave me some dumb story which I am amazed that I swallowed! So, we stayed married and along came Katie. it was never a happy marriage at best and i began to feel unwanted, unloved and unappreciated. That's when Jess came into the picture.
He was such a dear sweet man - old enough to be my father and kind enough to help me when Doug joined the Merchant Marines and left me at home with two children, two miles from the nearest store, no car and no money. If it hadn't been for Jess, the neighbors, Euline and Junior (Euline's cousin) we would have gone hungry - literally. I was too proud to ask for help and believe me, I learned to make things go a long way. Doug came home unexpectedly and found me with Jess's arms around me, crying, and jumped to the conclusion that he'd caught me doing something wrong. Poor innocent, kindhearted Jess caught the venom of Doug's anger and just couldn't make him understand that it had been because of Doug's treatment of me that I had been crying in the first place. Anyway, I was fed up by that time and told him i just couldn't live that way--that he really didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to be good to me. Poor Jess--he declared his love for me and admitted that he loved me deeply but had refrained from telling me because he thought he was impotent and too old for me. So we went to a lawyer and I guess I really didn't pay all that much attention. He said the easiest way to get a divorce was to file and then one of us not show up at the hearing. The other would get the divorce by default.
Doug said he wanted to go to Tennessee to visit his Mom and would take Carol, Katie and I to my folks in Omaha. he gave me exactly one day to think about it. So I came back Mom and Dad broke - one dress and a pair of slacks and blouse to my name - no shoes for the children and no hope in my heart for the future). I'll never know how I got through those days. I got very thin and was extremely depressed--cried at almost anything. I was convinced my life was doomed. I was 24 years old, divorced, 2 children and nothing with which to attract a man. I was told I was unattractive and sexless and i believed it, so I went to work. I'll never forget the first time a man asked me for a date. It was like a light at the end of the tunnel. I dated several times (remember Dobbie and Cy?)
And then---I met Raymond. it took us both two years to decide we could make a life together and so I married a very dear friend and we had 28 happy years together. At the age of 58, my Dear Friend and husband died from cancer. After a year alone, mother moved in with me. I have to admit that at first, i rather resented it because mom and I hadn't gotten along too well over the years. She was with me for six years and I feel luck that I got to know my mother as a person. I missed her a lot when she died in June of 1985. We had several trips to Alabama to visit Ken and Euline before she died. I enjoyed the trips to Alabama and to Florida with Ken and Euline and last year a friend and I went to Alabama. I was sick while I was there so didn't enjoy it much.
In 1981, I wrote to Merritt Loury a letter of sympathy at the loss of his wife. We corresponded nice friendly letters over the years and in April of 1987, he called me Dearest! Our letters began to get more personal and in September, we planned to meet in Wyoming. I got part way there and got sick so had to come home. We were both disappointed. In october, he drove back here to see me and at 66 years of age, I fell in love with a sweet, tender, loving man. I experienced such joy with him and found I could enjoy physical love as well. What a wonderful thing to happen when I thought I was ready for senility to take over. Life became exciting and thrilling again. he came back again and we had a very happy Christmas together.
At the present time, I am eagerly awaiting another visit from him. he is so much fun and we have such a good time together. We are so lucky to have each other and we both feel we will be friends always! There is love in our friendship and that is especially gratifying to me because I thought that was all over for me. It's never too late! Thank Goodness. They say "there's no fool like an old fool" and they may be right, but I know this old fool is having a ball and I wouldn't give up one minute of my time with Merritt. If it doesn't last, at least I will have warm memories to think about when I'm relegated to the "Old Rocking Chair". I'll probably get to rocking pretty good at some of those memories. That's the picture for now (3-4-88). I have to wait and see.
3-4-1989
I am sad to say that Ray's boy is getting a divorce. They (name omitted for privacy) have been so good to me since Ray died and I hope we can still be friends. They have two lovely girls and two nice boys and even though (name omitted for privacy) is my step son, his family is very important to me and I consider the children to be my grandchildren, too. Carol has one girl and three boys - mostly grow up by now. I don't see any of them, but we keep in touch. Katie and (name omitted for privacy) have (name omitted for privacy) and (name omitted for privacy) and I do feel close to them because I have seen them more often and I think they love their "Granny".
Merritt has been here twice since I last wrote - in May/June of 1988 and for Christmas of 88. I have calmed down a bit about our relationship (not so wildly in love, but loving just the same.) I don't feel this is going anywhere as far as permanence is concerned, but I am happy to share whatever he is willing to give. he is fun and witty and clever and sometimes temperamental. I have a talent for saying the wrong things, but he's getting used to me and I am getting more comfortable with him. Right at this moment, i am a little angry with him but I'll sit down and write several caustic letters to get it out of my system--then I'll tear them up and go right on loving him. He can be very cantankerous, but what can I say. I love him. I have told him he could come and live with me, but he'll never do it-too independent and scared to death of commitment. Ah well - I would have been so good to him.--He'll never know what he missed.
Today there is a lot of snow on the ground and I have been confined for three days, so I'm frustrated. I guess there is not much to add, except I just got back from Las Vegas where i hit a $1600.00 jackpot. Whoop-te-do! guess I'll put it away to take out and give back to them. maybe real soon...!
APRIL 1991
JULY 16, 1991
END OF DOCUMENT - GO TO JOURNAL 1