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JOURNAL 2 |
JUNE 7, 1990 |
| Dear Katie:
As I get older it is becoming more difficult to maintain a cheerful outlook on life. Maybe it is God's way of preparing us for leaving it. Merritt's death has been so devastating - even though we had parted. While he was alive there was always the hope that things would be different. I know he was not good to me in so many ways and he hurt me so much but I loved him for the good things we shared and they are hard to give up. Whoever said love had to make sense? I suppose that time will soften the pain I feel. I hope I can regain the zest for life I had - at least in part, but right at this moment I feel like weeping and wailing and hiding away from everyone. It is an effort to keep it all bottled up inside but I won't give anyone the chance to say again, "No fool like an old fool." Maybe I was an "old fool" but it sure was exciting for a while. I guess I should be thankful that the decision was made for me - leaving me with no choices. I would probably have gone right on hoping for a better day with Merritt and been hurt again. I must be a real wimp or I would have been angry instead of hurt. I was just so frustrated because it seemed the harder I tried to please the more he picked at me. And yet I do think he loved me - as much as he could love anyone. I have never doubted that because he would never have done all that traveling to see me if he hadn't loved me. The worst part is all the questions left unanswered. Why did he read my letters written in love and find criticism when none was intended? Why did he go home each time he was here and not call or write for weeks or months? Why did he act like he didn't trust me in his home after I offered him the freedom to consider my home his when he was here? So many other questions will never have an answer and it is so frustrating. I loved him and accepted his strange attitudes and never criticized or asked him to change. This is a letter of uselessness and only succeeded in making me cry - something I've done a lot of lately. I don't think anyone realizes how much it meant to me to have Merritt in my life. He filled my thoughts when we were apart and I was so happy when we were together (most of the time). Even when I came back from California so confused and hurt - I never stopped wanting to be near him. There is now such an emptiness and everyday I try to find a way to fill the void but how do you replace a loving hug? a thrilling kiss? or even just the wonderful feeling of being close to your loved one? |
AUGUST 27, 1990 |
| To my Children:
Today I am filled with memories and nostalgia at the thoughts they remind me of. I have had my share of sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness and loss of hope. But in balance I have also had a goodly share of companionship, friendship, love and joy. My first marriage would have been disastrous had I not gained from it my two children whom I love. Life has not always been easy and smooth and I was not always the mother I should have been. I think you both realize by now that so many things are occurring in a person's life that it is hard to concentrate all your efforts into being the perfect mother. For this I am sorry. If I lacked in patience and understanding, don't ever think that I lacked in loving you. I hope you can remember all the happy times as a family because they, after all, are the important memories. I look back and remember my parents giving us a good life, even in depression days. I didn't always appreciate their efforts though now I realize it must have been a difficult time for them. Parenthood is a learning time and sometimes we learn too late to be good parents. It does not diminish our love or caring. It is too bad society doesn't realize that most of us who become mothers go into it with no idea of how to cope with the responsibilities. So maybe, some day, they will teach parenthood. There are no set rules because each child is so different. Carol: I know you have always dealt with you more severely than with Katie. You have four children. Have you dealt with each one exactly alike. Katie would listen. You would argue. You pushed to the limit and beyond. Katie was more manageable. You really couldn't expect me to punish her as much when she didn't merit it. It had nothing whatsoever to do with degrees of love between you two. I'm sorry you and I have had bad feelings come between us. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. so I've tried to store away those feelings and keep only the good ones at my beck and call. We have hurt each other over the years. I'm sorry for that. i hope you will remember that nevertheless - I have always loved you. Katie: I think you know that I love you, too, and that I have always appreciated the living support of you and your family. that we are also good friends speaks well of the close relationship between us. (the phone rang). They just called from the hospital and my knee surgery will be August 31. I hope they can fix me up so I can get around and away from my thoughts so I can recover my sense of values again. I sometimes wonder if loving Merritt was worth all the pain of losing him and then I remember him holding me close and saying "I love yu", so I guess it was worth it. Some day as you read all this stuff I have written in times of great joy and deep sadness maybe it will help you realize I was not just your mother, but a person of deep personal feelings apart from you. One does not always realize that being a mother is only part of a woman's life. I was glad I got to know my own mother as a person apart from being my mother. I have been lucky in my life to have been loved by a dear friend and husband. I miss him very much. Merritt was nothing like Ray, but I loved him dearly and miss him terribly. What I shared with Ray and what I shared with Merritt were two very different experiences. My life has been richer for both. As for you children - all I have ever wanted is for you to be as happy as possible in your lives. If you are reading this, I will be gone and need not fret any more about what I did, wrong or right. I guess I've done just about what everyone does - I just lived my life - more or less MY WAY! |
NOVEMBER 18, 1990 |
| To my Children:
Today is one of those days when I feel old, useless, unwanted and unneeded. I'm sure there are many people in this world who feel they have outlived their life span and wonder, "why are we still here?" Surely loneliness is the most depressing ailment there is. I sometimes wonder if the loneliness I feel stems from having such happiness with Raymond. I mourn him yet today, even though, for a brief time, Merritt occupied my time and my live. Would I have been better off without Merritt in my life or was the joy worth the pain he left me in? It took someone who had lived with a drinker to make me see what the problem was and why his moods changed. When he hurt me, I could only think, "why?" and what did I do to cause it. I know now that his drinking was worse than I realized. he was, I think, a secret drinker. When he was with me, he put on this act that he never drank before 5 P.M. and then only two or three, but I knew he drank steadily after 5 P.M. and his Gin and Tonic were Gin-Gin-Gin and Tonic. Times when he thought I was asleep, I would hear him fixing one after another. When he was here, he controlled it pretty well. After he had been here and gone back home, it would be weeks and sometimes months before I'd hear from him. He told me once that he could be around people only so long and then he needed to be alone. I know now that the reason was alcohol. When I was in his home for four weeks, it must have been hard on him because of withdrawal. I wish he had been honest with me because it would not have hurt me near as much as to have him pick at me for no apparent reason and yet tell me he loved me. Never having been around anyone who drinks, I didn't recognize ll the symptoms. When he said, "You've probably snooped all over my house", I was crushed. I think, now, he probably had liquor stashed all over - When he told me that I should be happy he had a few drinks because it made him more romantic and I was hurt to think he needed it to get romantic with me - but I accepted it because the love making was so wonderful. I know now that it was because he wasn't up tight wanting the liquor and he could relax and be loving and tender and so damned sweet. I'm not sure if it was all because of the drinking. I think he was also a manic-depressive because he had such sudden mood changes. But maybe it was all due to alcohol. It is so hard to realize that he is dead and I'll never know for sure how he really felt about me. He said over and over that he loved me and that he would always love me - no matter what, but I couldn't compete with the booze. Oh damn - I hae so much love to give and no one wanted it. What a sad commentary on my life. I just want someone to hold me close and love me and enjoy being with me. All of of sudden it seems my life is falling apart. I try to be a good person and help my friends when they are hurting but when I need encouragement and I'm hurting inside they all expect me to put on a happy face, because I'm supposed to be strong and not let things bother me. I think Mary is the only one who sees that it is an effort to be cheerful. In some ways, I'm having a harder time adjusting to Merritt's death than I did to Ray's. Part of that, I suppose, is because I was with Ray every step of the way and I had the time to prepare and be ready to let him go. with Merritt, the last time I saw him, he hugged me and kissed me and told me how he loved me and he seemed in pretty good health. so it is hard for me to picture him any other way. Lord, but loving can be painful!! I have cried so many tears here alone. It would help if I could share them, but no one wants to sit here and hold me and let me cry it out. So I'll do my weeping in privacy and put on my public face (the one with the smile) and keep on going the best I can. Maybe before I'm a complete catastrophe someone as lonely as I will come along and we can give each other a little comfort in our declining years. Maybe I expect too much. I just wish I didn't care any more.
|
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1990 |
| It is almost a month since I wrote my thoughts down last and over a year
since Merritt and i were together. Most of the time i could handle
the sadness as long as I keep busy. I keep waiting for time to ease
the pain, but it doesn't seem to be working.
I feel old and worn out. My health seems to be falling apart right along with my spirit. I'm having pains in my left arm - heart?? My blood pressure is high. My back hurts and in general, I feel lousy. If this is the "Golden Years", who needs them? I can begin to understand why people decide to end it all. When you know that all the happy times are only going to be memories - there is nothing to look forward to and each day becomes just another 24 hours to get through. I would have been better off if i had never gotten together with Merritt. I loved him and we had a lot of happy times, but he destroyed my peace of mind and left me in a turmoil which I can't seem to conquer. Sometimes I get so angry with him and it is so frustrating not to be able to vent my anger to him. I wish I wasn't so intense in my feelings for others. Through the years, I've been hurt the most by people I cared about. i just can't seem to learn not to care so much. Guess I'm just an incurable romantic. But i guess I won't have to worry about that any more because I'm too old to get involved in another love affair - though I still want someone to hold me close and make me feel wanted and loved (Besides my children, I mean.) I don't think there is anything more fulfilling than to snuggle up to someone in the night and be held in a loving embrace and hear, "I love you." It doesn't have to involve sex, but that can be good, too! It's great to be able to still "turn someone on" even at my age. And it was great to have the feelings Merritt gave to me. After 12 years of NO SEX, I thought it would be impossible so i was greatly surprised not only that it was possible, but that it was so good. I guess that is part of my problem, though I would never admit to anyone else. I really do miss the great sex i enjoyed with Merritt. he was very virile and got pleasure from pleasing me! We had some very prolonged sessions, which were surprising at his age! It surprised him, too, - but he gave me the credit for inspiring his performance! That was one area of our relationship that caused no problem whatsoever. To bad we couldn't just have stayed in bed all the time. |
| Editors Note: Shortly after that, mother had a huge heart attack. I received one last letter from her and then we quarreled and we never spoke again. |